The
spring
meeting
took
place
this
weekend
in
Jefferson
MA.
The
big
topic
discussed
was
the
resignation
of
league
commissioner
Kevin
Costner.
Kevin
has
been
head
of
the
league
since
it's
inception
back
in
1988.
Kevin
invisioned
a
dream,
they
told
him
to
build
it
and
he
did.
Frenchman
Stadium
This
was
the
week
of
the
one
man
show.
Each
of
the
3
games
this
week
was
pretty
much
dominated
by
one
player
on
the
winning
team.
The
WWL
players
are
finally
putting
to
rest
the
complaints
of
so
many
of
the
fans.
The
complaint
was
that
there
wasn't
enough
Welcome Wiffleball fans. Danny Gladden, reporting on the pulse pounding World Series that inserted a few new pages into the sports history books. This series was highly anticipated and it didn't disappoint! Here is a game by game recap of what is now dubbed "The What If Series". My hands are quivering with excitement as I prepare to take you into perhaps the greatest series that has been logged into the catacombs of Wiffleball lore. Come with me, won't you...?
Throwing out the first pitch was Gregg's wife Leah, as Princess Lea & Rob O'Malley, who came in his trademark Chewbacca costume. Rob has become a Star Wars stunt double since he has left the WWL, a career that he is still waiting to pay off. Guess someone should tell him they are done making the movies... Rob threw a perfect strike over the plate, the crowd applauded, and a fireworks display began from centerfield. One firework went rogue and hit Rob, igniting his costume and burned up all his ass and legs. Rob was carted off the field and was rushed to Leominster Hospital.
Game one cast an ominous glow on the series immediately, as the smoke from the intense pregame fireworks display billowed across the field. The crowd became still as the once blaring rock music, now faded into the background. WSPN's camera that was filming from behind home plate, slowly focused in on the hulking figure of Glenn Kush out on the mound. Gregg Frantz placed his right foot into the batter’s box, adjusted himself 8 times and then dug his left foot in. The Ump, 16 year veteran, Gary Lightbody screamed out "PLAY BALL". Kush got into trouble right away as he walked the first 3 batters, but came back to get Gregg on a high heater. Johnson came up and laced a 2-2 offering into centerfield. The ever nimble Pat Leonard was patrolling centerfield and made a spectacular leaping catch that saw him get at least an inch and a half of air. Frantz took the mound in the bottom of the inning. This was a shock to most of the wiffle ball theorists that were expecting a CY Young candidate matchup. Frantz doing his best pregame Curt Schilling impression behind the mound, prayed to the wiffleball gods to keep his arm attached to his torso until the series was finished. Frantz has been battling arm issues all year as was teammate Josh McKelvie. Johnson's team was in deep doo doo if Frantz and Mckelvie could not come thru with a win. Frantz got out of the bottom of the inning quickly. Kush was anywhere but in the strike zone, walking 10 in the game and 4 of the first 5 batters in the top of the 2nd. One run walked in and then Johnson added a single to right to drive in 2 more and quickly put his team up 3-0. Jake Mckelvie and Pat Leonard added RBI singles in the bottom of the inning closing it to 3-2. Glenn settled down and started pumping balls into the strike zone like he was at a frat party hopped up on Viagra. Batting champion Jake added another RBI single in the bottom of the 4th to tie the game at 3. The 5th innings slowly became the 9th inning. With one out Johnson hit a single into right. Frantz followed crushing a ball into the gap in right center. Johnson sprinted around the bases and thought he was home free until he got a stinging sensation in his left ass cheek before touching the plate. A perfect relay from Leonard to Kush led to Johnson getting out at home and ending the inning. Leonard ( pictured ) came up, facing the spaghetti armed Frantz, hit a ball over the left field wall that might still be going. Leonard was mobbed at home plate by his teammates as Johnson's team, slumped off the field in disbelief. "I really thought we had that one..." Johnson stated to Mia Sohorny, our Japanese reporter that was getting all of the action down on the field.
Sterling Police had to disperse the mob from the field so we could get game 2 started. Jake McKelvie ( pictured ) was slated to face Cy Young winner Jeff Johnson. Jake came out with his trademark slurveball that breaks 6 feet from left to right, the worm burner that hovers 1" above the ground before rising into the strike zone and the "What kind of pitch was that?!" pitch. Batters came and went with Johnson and McKelvie throwing well on the mound. Until the 3rd inning when brother, and spooning partner, Josh McKelvie came up and spanked a homer over the monster in left to break the game open 1-0. Johnson continued to pitch well into the 5th. The top of the inning saw McKelvie allow Johnson and Josh to reach on consecutive walks. Frantz came to the plate knowing this was the last chance to get some breathing room in the box score. Frantz delivered with a towering blast to left to put his team up 4-0 heading into the bottom of the inning. Johnson came out confident that he would shut down the side 1-2, but 2 walks and a double by Mckelvie quickly led to 1 run. Glenn came up and poked a single into the outfield to score 2 more runs. Johnson now visibly sweating thru his sandals on the mound was able to retire Leonard on a grounder to end the inning and the game. The crowd erupted and nail fragments from all the nail biting showered the edge of the field. All the nails will be donated and melted down to help rebuild Josh and Gregg's shoulders in the off season.
With the series tied 1-1 the series travels to Jeff, Josh and Gregg's home field. Game 3 starters are Josh McKelvie and Pat Leonard. McKelvie, who has been battling arm soreness the past few months, is trying to put off arm surgery until the off-season. McKelvie argued with the manager prior to going to the mound. Josh's first warm up pitch was a long toss to Frantz in the bullpen. Josh then ran into the outfield holding up his shorts. Frantz sucked it up and jogged out onto the field staring down Josh the whole way in. Gregg got the side 1-2 to start the inning. Leonard, wearing his 06 WWL ring on his hand, took the mound. Leonard started off the inning with a walk to Josh. Johnson came up a slapped a double to right field to score Mckelvie to make the game 1-0. Frantz stepped to the plate and smacked another home run, his second of the day into the left field bleachers. Leonard gathered himself, rubbed his ring a few times and got out of the inning. Things seemed to be going right for Frantz this game, until he loaded the bases in the top of the second. A walk to Pat brought in a run and a stinging single from Jake to right plated 2 more. Gregg got Glenn to chase a floater to end the inning. Frantz leading off the inning took Leonard deep for the second time in a row, quickly giving his team the lead again 4-3. Pat, who appeared to have hurt his vagina on that pitch, was replaced by Glenn. Gregg and his team would only manage to get 3 more hits in the game and not get another runner into scoring position. Frantz, who seemed determined to pitch the whole game gave up a bloop 2 run homer to Glenn and another homer to Jake before all was said and done. Glenn was 2-0 on the day and appeared to put his team in the driver’s seat for the rest of the series. "I hope Pat's vagina is ok... Cuz it sure smelled fishy to me..." stated Frantz after the game. "1 inning! What a AAA rookie thing to do, he should have stayed down there! Frantz pitched 14 innings today! They can't have Glenn pitch every game..." exclaimed Joe from the "Frantz's Fanatics". Or could they? Well another torturous week till we are able to know what comes of all this.
Sunday, 3pm and you couldn't ask for a better day for some Wiff. On top of all the sunny goodness, we continue the series with a Kush / Johnson matchup! Kush, coming off a weekend that saw him go 2-0 with an ERA under 2, and Johnson who just squeaked out a win in game 2. Johnson, who promised a win to the media just before the series started today, came out firing, setting down the side 1-2. Would Kush be as effective this weekend after pitching so many innings in the previous series? 2 walks and a single loaded up the bases in the bottom of the inning. Frantz struck out which left Johnson in the hot seat to get some runs on the board. Johnson ( pictured ) delivered, with his first home run of the series, a grand salami to right. "Frantz got me pumped up with a pregame phone call from his limo. Guess it carried over into the game!" laughed Johnson in the post game press conference. Jeff would not relinquish the lead that he got for his team, striking out 5 and only giving up one run, a solo shot to Leonard in the second inning. Glenn settled down after the tough first inning but did end up surrendering another 2 run shot to Josh in the 3rd making the final score 6-1. With the series knotted at 2, team Kush was starting to feel some pressure. "It's in the bag baby..." smirked Jake "Woopidy-Do, Jeff beat us, Frantz is junk and we are making Josh pitch game 6. I OWN HIM!" Jake and the one inning wonder, Pat, will pitch the next 2 games.
Game 5... The turning point, this game will determine who gets the fat kid to anchor the tug-of-war rope. Who will get advantage here? Frantz and Jake Mckelvie will face off as these teams of gladiators are starting to show signs of tiring but are trudging on. Frantz and Mckelvie both lost their first games and were determined to notch a victory. Jake came out a tad wild walking 2 but getting out of the inning by striking out Josh. The bottom of the inning started off with a Glenn double and an RBI single by Jake to put his team up 1-0. Once again, Jake allowed 2 more runners on but managed to strand them on a Frantz "K" and inducing a ground ball out to Josh. Gregg started to settle into a groove for the next 2 innings as Jake gave up a 2 run bomb to Josh in the third. Fast forward to the 5th, the game tied at 2 thanks to an RBI double in the 4th from Jake. Jake, taking the mound in the top of the inning, after autographing the chests of a few lovely ladies in the front row. As the inning started, it appeared Jake had something else on his mind, instead of balls. Josh, Gregg and Jeff teed off on Jake for 2 singles and 2 doubles to break the game open 5-2. Gregg came out to "You guys are going down, and I like it!" by Curly "G" Cradle Rock, which whipped the crowd into a frenzy. Gregg got Jake to ground out and was only one out away from being, one step closer to Disneyland and endorsement contracts. Gregg would have to wait though as Pat keee-rushed a solo homer over the monster. Glenn followed with a single which then brought up Jake. Jake the one guy Gregg did not want to face in this situation. Jake, the on base machine, launched a towering drive to right. As he was admiring the shot from the first baseline and starting to saunter down to first, Johnson sprinted back to the wall never taking his eye off of the ball. Johnson ( pictured ), leaped at the wall that protects players from the chasm of rocks, pallets, sticks, and all kinds of sharp objects you find on the beach. Risking almost certain death, he snatched the ball in his hand, and victory out of the hands of team Kush. Johnson had saved the game and put his team on top 3-2. Gregg and Josh mobbed Johnson in the outfield. The girls that had their breasts signed by Jake, had now put white out over his autograph and wanted Johnson's. Jake was livid! He was screaming, throwing the bases, opening photographer’s cameras and eating the film. "Something snapped, I've never seen anyone eat film before... I'll have to ask him what it tasted like after he cools down." said player / manager Glenn Kush after the game. "Hopefully that was the nail in the coffin for those guys. I was going to do whatever I could to preserve the victory for Gregg and our team." Johnson told Mia Sohorny after the game.
As daylight wanes, game 6 brings new hope for Glenn's team, and a thirst for blood for Jeff's team. One game separating Jeff & Josh from their second consecutive WWL WS ring, and Gregg, his first. "We're not out of this yet. Let's go show Josh what a good pounding feels like!" screamed Pat Leonard as he tried to fire up his teammates on the bench. Josh Mckelvie ( pictured ) who is slated for Tammy John surgery after the series, is required to pitch game 6. "It's a silly little by-law in the WWL handbook. Glenn found it last night hidden in the glossary pages in the back." said Jake as he pointed it out in front of the camera. He continued "Blue section, row 15, subarticle 10 states: Any player that has not pitched in the first five games of said series must pitch 3 innings in the 6th. Three shall be the number of innings thou shall pitch, and the number of the innings shall be three. Four shall thou not pitch, neither pitch thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Wiffleball towards thy teammate, who, being naughty in my sight, shall pitch it." Josh, not wanting to risk a lifetime ban from the WWL, went out to the mound, this time to stay. Glenn was the first to face the tender arm of Josh. Glenn spanked one over the monster in left to welcome Josh. Josh was able to get out of the inning only surrendering the one run. Pat took the mound and promised to pitch the whole game since he took so much criticism this past week. Josh lead off the inning with a towering shot to left to tie the game right away. A double from Johnson followed by Frantz, who shot a laser over the centerfield wall, quickly lead to a 2 run lead with no outs yet. Pat escaped the inning by striking out Josh and Gregg. Both pitchers simma'd down and then in the top of the 4th with one out Josh threw his first pitch to Pat and a crunching noise and a scream rang out thru the stadium. Something finally gave in Josh's arm. Visions of Doug Dravecky came to mind as Josh slumped over on the mound. After being checked out by the trainer Franz Gunshow, Josh trotted out to left field to a standing ovation and Jeff was brought in to close out the game. Jeff closed out the top of the inning and in the bottom of the inning with Frantz on second, Johnson tomahawked a homer over the monster in left to put the game out of reach for Kush and his teammates. Johnson closed out the game with a strikeout of Glenn to notch the save and chaos ensued! Sterling riot police held back rabid fans as Johnson, Frantz and Josh celebrated on the field. Down 2-1, they came back to take the series in 6 games. "To win 2 World Series in a year was my dream ever since I was a wee tike." sniffled Johnson as he was fighting back the tears. "The wiffle gods have blessed me with the talent to come out here and do what I do. I thank them for that..." Mia also caught up with Gregg out on the field. "After the year I had, to be standing on the field right now as part of the best team in the world, is just crazy. I should be out playing golf with the rest of the losers who didn't make it to the series. Manning, O'Malley, Glazebrook & Rudy, see what hard work gets you!" A soaked McKelvie had this to say “Tonight I will be drinking Krystal, surrounded by hot bitches... Tell me this ain't the life? Chicks dig the long ball…"
Jeff Johnson was awarded the MVP for the series. Johnson thanked the commissioner and had this to say. "I shouldn't be up here by myself. This was a team effort. I accept this award on behalf of my team. I will have all of our names engraved in this bad boy and mount it in the walkway on the way out to the field to remind us of this day. I think Alex Rodriguez said it best, there is no "I" in team, but there is a me, meat, ate, mate, tame, at, EMT, tea, met, and so many more words."
Another year and 25 Wiffleballs later, the season comes to a close. Leaving Jake, Pat and Glenn left to wonder what if? What if Jake did a few more pushups and Johnson had not made that catch? What if they didn't over use Glenn's arm in the first 3 games? They will have 7 months to ponder those questions and more until we meet again in spring training. Hopefully next year will bring new faces, a new ballpark and maybe a new WWL World Series Champion. Till next year, you wiffleball addicts you...